As previously foretold in Elevator Etiquette, here are the rules and procedures for proper cellphone usage. Follow these and all of humanity will thank you. Ignore them and know that you’re “that guy”. And nobody likes that guy.

1. Acceptable Volume

Please stop screaming at your phone. I mean what’s the point?! The only thing being accomplished is annoying the hell out of those around you and possibly giving the person on the listening end of your raptor like conversation a headache.

2. Proper Conversations for Public

Stop talking about inappropriate topics while you’re out and about. I actually overheard a conversation a girl was having about what I’m assuming was a cheating boyfriend who got another girl pregnant and had lied about it. Or at least had admitted to the cheating but didn’t disclose the important detail of not using protection. Either way it doesn’t matter – my point is I SHOULDN’T HAVE HEARD ANY OF THIS!!!!!!!! Leave those conversations for the privacy of your home.

3. Acceptable Cellphone Usage Locations

I can’t even stress this point enough: DO NOT USE YOUR PHONE WHILE IN THE BATHROOM!!!!!!!!! The previously mentioned overheard conversation…. I was in a bathroom at a store. Which automatically makes what I overheard about sixty bajillion times worse! When I see or hear people on the phone while in the bathroom, I actually wish for them to drop it in the toilet. Preferably after they’ve used it.

I hope these help you function more acceptably among society. And if you notice someone breaking the rules, be sure to make them know they’re being a jerk. But be tactful. A backhanded compliment is much more effective than you think. And, they show how much smarter you are than the jerk on the phone.

And I’m sure there are plenty more rules I can add on here, but I’ll let you comment and add the rules you think I’ve missed.