This is just my face

It never ceases to amaze me how people feel compelled, obligated and entitled to say things to you. And often times, the more rude or unnecessary the comment, the more compelled the person is to tell you.

I am especially baffled with this as it relates to how someone looks. 

I have a new baby; he’s amazing. But, he’s a baby. So he’s a lot of work. And I’m not complaining. I (mostly) knew what I was getting into when I became a mom; sleepless nights. Long days filled with unpleasant moments that turn into even longer nights. And repeat for infinity. But that’s alright; he is totally worth it. 

But, can we please stop telling parents “you look tired.”? 

This happened last week at the grocery store. My husband and I were picking up stuff for a party we were hosting at our home. It was cool and rainy, so I decided to wear the baby into the store. Keep him safe and dry. We finished our shopping and while we were cashing out the clerk looks at me and baby, then turns to my husband and says “she looks tired.” 


My husband responded with “I’m sorry?” And the clerk repeats herself, “I said ‘she looks tired.'” 😡😡😡😡

Excuse me? SHE is standing right here. You can address her directly. 

Why do we think it’s okay to comment on someone’s appearance? Why? Because here’s the thing: I didn’t actually feel tired. I felt good. I got a decent amount of sleep the night before, the baby slept well, and I was actually feeling pretty good about myself. For the first time in months. 

That comment? Immediate gut punch and ego-blow. Because now I’m only thinking about what an ogre I must actually be and how on earth could I have thought I looked alright? 

What actually upsets me more is that the comment, while about me specifically, wasn’t even directed to me. Even though I was standing right there. Instead, it was said to my husband. Twice. 

“She looks tired.” 

Well, sister, I AM tired.

• I’m tired of people thinking they are entitled to comment on my appearance.

• I’m tired of people thinking they need to comment on my appearance.

• And I’m tired of people not seeing anything wrong with doing so. 

It’s so incredibly rude. And inconsiderate. And unnecessary. And unwanted. 

Because, no. I’m NOT tired. This is just my face. 

This is just my natural resting face. #SorryNotSorry #RBF

This One Time at the Keyhole….

After spending time beating myself up for not being able to come up with anything remotely interesting to talk about this week, I took to Facebook and asked my friends and family for help (letting them know upfront that whatever ideas they submitted would absolutely be ripped off, with no type of compensation).  I even went so far as to guilt people to help (I’m awful, what can I say)?

While I was given some interesting topics (someone mentioned craisins: friend or foe?) I decided I felt too bad actually ripping off someone else’s idea.  So, I let the weekend come and go, and still didn’t have anything… or so I thought – cue Saturday night.

Brett’s nieces were over at the grandparent’s house for the night, so we met up with his sister and brother in law for some dinner and drinks.  As per the usual course when we’re all together, we headed on over to our favorite dive.  Brett and I were there a week earlier and it was dead.  Completely.  There was the bartender, us, and two other people – and those two were weirdos.  Seriously.

So, after the poor showing the previous week we were looking for a livelier crowd Saturday night.  And it was a bit livelier.  There was a kickball team there and it seemed like they had been there for awhile, so we went to sit outback (plus, the guys wanted to smoke their cigars).  As the night went on, people trickled in and out of the bar and came outside, chatted with us, etc.  You know, typical bar stuff.

What was not so typical had me speechless.  Our friends left, and it was just Brett and I sitting outside, enjoying the weather before the (predicted) storm hit us (it never did, by the way).  As we’re sitting there, one of the kick ballers comes outside again, and the three of us start chatting.  Mr. Kickball sits down in the chair beside me and slowly reaches his arm out and takes my drink out of my hand!  AND THEN DRINKS IT! Once he takes a sip, he really tried to hand it back, as if we were bff’s all of a sudden and it would be totally fine to share a drink.

Of course I immediately tell him no thank you, and that he can just finish it.  He even tried to argue about it with me saying. “what?  it’s not like I have herpes.”  Uh, thank you for clearing that up, however, rando, I will not be sharing drinks with you – so you can go ahead and keep that.  In fairness to my sticky fingered foe, he did try to make it up to me by offering to by me another drink.  Which I also turned down.

I do think he realized how awkward that entire situation was, though, because he got really quiet.  Sat my/his drink down and then just sort of slowly walked away, kind of watching Brett to make sure he wasn’t about to get beat up for theiving my drink.  This thought was further acknowledged when we went inside the bar to pay our tab and my drink’s assailant rushed out.

After two awkward Saturday encounters there, I think we might need to change the day of the week we go there.  No thank you awkward male humans!

Am I the only person this has ever happened to?  I wouldn’t be surprised if I was, these are the kinds of weird things that happen in my life.

common (dis)courtesy

In a time and age when people want their own way as quickly and easily as possible it still never ceases to amaze me how lazy, inconsiderate and rude people can be. AND THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW IT! Or care. That’s what drives me most crazy.

I know we’re all guilty of forgetting our manners from time to time, but hopefully you try to remedy your lack of courtesy as quickly as possible and offer a very sincere apology.

But recently I’ve noticed a large lack of courtesy – from a particular age group of people, the 20-22 age group. I mean, WTH is WRONG with you?!

Please and thank you are some of the nicest things you can say to people. And what have you done in your short existence that makes you feel so entitled? To everything?!

Here’s a tip – quit being assholes. You’re not entitled to anything except life, freedom and equality. And quit throwing tantrums. You aren’t four. Grow up. And get jobs.

I know it’s hard to find jobs right now. But WORK is hard. Get used to it. It’s hard. Not impossible. And just because you didn’t get the “jobofyourdreams” doesn’t mean you get to give up and spend the next eleventy thousand years complaining about everything. Because let me tell you something, EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS. And nobody wants to listen to how unfair your life is. Because life isn’t fair.

If it were, bad guys would always lose, good guys would always win, babies would never die and nobody would be starving to death. But bad guys do win. Good guys do lose. Babies do die and people do starve to death.

It isn’t fair. But it’s life.

So remember your manners. Show some common courtesy. And quit being whiny bitches. It’s pissing everybody off – most of us are just too polite to say so.

Cell Phone Etiquette: How to Not Be a Jerk

As previously foretold in Elevator Etiquette, here are the rules and procedures for proper cellphone usage. Follow these and all of humanity will thank you. Ignore them and know that you’re “that guy”. And nobody likes that guy.

1. Acceptable Volume

Please stop screaming at your phone. I mean what’s the point?! The only thing being accomplished is annoying the hell out of those around you and possibly giving the person on the listening end of your raptor like conversation a headache.

2. Proper Conversations for Public

Stop talking about inappropriate topics while you’re out and about. I actually overheard a conversation a girl was having about what I’m assuming was a cheating boyfriend who got another girl pregnant and had lied about it. Or at least had admitted to the cheating but didn’t disclose the important detail of not using protection. Either way it doesn’t matter – my point is I SHOULDN’T HAVE HEARD ANY OF THIS!!!!!!!! Leave those conversations for the privacy of your home.

3. Acceptable Cellphone Usage Locations

I can’t even stress this point enough: DO NOT USE YOUR PHONE WHILE IN THE BATHROOM!!!!!!!!! The previously mentioned overheard conversation…. I was in a bathroom at a store. Which automatically makes what I overheard about sixty bajillion times worse! When I see or hear people on the phone while in the bathroom, I actually wish for them to drop it in the toilet. Preferably after they’ve used it.

I hope these help you function more acceptably among society. And if you notice someone breaking the rules, be sure to make them know they’re being a jerk. But be tactful. A backhanded compliment is much more effective than you think. And, they show how much smarter you are than the jerk on the phone.

And I’m sure there are plenty more rules I can add on here, but I’ll let you comment and add the rules you think I’ve missed.

Elevator Etiquette

If you’re anything like me, and I have to assume you are since you’re sitting here reading this, you probably spend a fair amount of time on an elevator.  Most likely at work.  Which is where I spend the majority of my elevator riding.  Now before you freak out on me and ask why I’m being a lazy ass and not taking the stairs, it’s because I’d have to walk up eight flights of stairs.  In high heels.  And then walk down eight flight of stairs.  In high heels.  Did I mention that I actually used to do this?  About four to five times a day.  Oh, and I almost killed myself coming down the eight flights of stairs in high heels.  So, yeah, I’m done with that.

Anyway, that’s not the point.  The point is this: most people DO NOT know how to ride an elevator.  I mean, how hard can it be?  It’s an elevator; all you have to do is stand there.  But some people can’t even get that right.

So, to save you all from making the mistakes I see on a daily basis here it is: Elevator Etiquette: How to Make Sure People Don’t Glare at You

1. Proper Elevator Entry

When entering an elevator it is absolutely crucial to make sure it is empty. Meaning there are no elevator passengers waiting to unload.  If the elevator does in fact have passengers who need to disembark, patiently wait until they have left the elevator before stepping onboard.

2. Button Pushing

This is a very important thing.

First, pay attention.  Nobody likes the person who steps on and just smashes a button without looking only to notice that they pressed the button for a floor two stops too soon.  It’s annoying.  And also possibly grounds for a swift shin kick.  Second, once aboard, correct button pushed (on the first attentive try) be sure to press the close door button.  Nobody likes waiting those twenty awkward seconds until the doors slide shut and the ride begins.  Of course, you’ll want to make sure you’re not closing the doors on potential elevator patrons. 

3. Proper Elevator Conversation

We’ve all been on the elevator with the person who is unnecessarily screaming into their cell phone telling their friend the most awful story that nobody else needs to hear.  For starters, you do not, DO NOT, have to yell into your phone (rules of proper cell phone usage to come in later blog post).  You can speak at a normal and acceptable volume and the person on the other end can hear you.  It’s sort of like magic, only it’s technology.  Stop shouting.  You’re causing noise pollution and the Earth is polluted enough without your obnoxiousness.  Secondly, we do not need to hear about the 4 B’s: boogers, barf, bodily functions or body parts.  It’s all gross and all unnecessary.  Also, gentleman – keep in mind that this isn’t 1937.  Women work.  With you.  And we ride the same elevators.  Quit being gross.  And stop staring at our ass and boobs.  It’s creepy.  Finally, stop commenting on the weather.  Yes, it’s really stinking hot/cold/rainy/snowy/foggy/cloudy/sunny/beautiful/miserable/windy or whatever.  I know.  You know how I know?  Because before I was on an elevator, I was out-freaking-side!!!!  We don’t have to be friends just because we’re on the same elevator.  Just smile, nod and be silent.

4. Proper Exiting Technique

If you are the person in the back of the elevator, you are not the first person off.  You are, by default, the last person off.  Quit being a jerk.  You don’t have to be Sammy Shover.  It’s not a race to see who can get off the elevator first.  There is no prize.  No medal.  Nothing.  Just a bunch of pissed off people who are collectively hoping that in your haste you didn’t see the wet floor sign and you bite it.  Hard.

So there you go.  I hope this helps you all become much more civilized elevator passengers.  And if you notice any of your fellow citizens not following proper procedure, go ahead and hope they trip.  Because they will.  Karma loves payback.