As previously foretold in Elevator Etiquette, here are the rules and procedures for proper cellphone usage. Follow these and all of humanity will thank you. Ignore them and know that you’re “that guy”. And nobody likes that guy.

1. Acceptable Volume

Please stop screaming at your phone. I mean what’s the point?! The only thing being accomplished is annoying the hell out of those around you and possibly giving the person on the listening end of your raptor like conversation a headache.

2. Proper Conversations for Public

Stop talking about inappropriate topics while you’re out and about. I actually overheard a conversation a girl was having about what I’m assuming was a cheating boyfriend who got another girl pregnant and had lied about it. Or at least had admitted to the cheating but didn’t disclose the important detail of not using protection. Either way it doesn’t matter – my point is I SHOULDN’T HAVE HEARD ANY OF THIS!!!!!!!! Leave those conversations for the privacy of your home.

3. Acceptable Cellphone Usage Locations

I can’t even stress this point enough: DO NOT USE YOUR PHONE WHILE IN THE BATHROOM!!!!!!!!! The previously mentioned overheard conversation…. I was in a bathroom at a store. Which automatically makes what I overheard about sixty bajillion times worse! When I see or hear people on the phone while in the bathroom, I actually wish for them to drop it in the toilet. Preferably after they’ve used it.

I hope these help you function more acceptably among society. And if you notice someone breaking the rules, be sure to make them know they’re being a jerk. But be tactful. A backhanded compliment is much more effective than you think. And, they show how much smarter you are than the jerk on the phone.

And I’m sure there are plenty more rules I can add on here, but I’ll let you comment and add the rules you think I’ve missed.

If you’re anything like me, and I have to assume you are since you’re sitting here reading this, you probably spend a fair amount of time on an elevator.  Most likely at work.  Which is where I spend the majority of my elevator riding.  Now before you freak out on me and ask why I’m being a lazy ass and not taking the stairs, it’s because I’d have to walk up eight flights of stairs.  In high heels.  And then walk down eight flight of stairs.  In high heels.  Did I mention that I actually used to do this?  About four to five times a day.  Oh, and I almost killed myself coming down the eight flights of stairs in high heels.  So, yeah, I’m done with that.

Anyway, that’s not the point.  The point is this: most people DO NOT know how to ride an elevator.  I mean, how hard can it be?  It’s an elevator; all you have to do is stand there.  But some people can’t even get that right.

So, to save you all from making the mistakes I see on a daily basis here it is: Elevator Etiquette: How to Make Sure People Don’t Glare at You

1. Proper Elevator Entry

When entering an elevator it is absolutely crucial to make sure it is empty. Meaning there are no elevator passengers waiting to unload.  If the elevator does in fact have passengers who need to disembark, patiently wait until they have left the elevator before stepping onboard.

2. Button Pushing

This is a very important thing.

First, pay attention.  Nobody likes the person who steps on and just smashes a button without looking only to notice that they pressed the button for a floor two stops too soon.  It’s annoying.  And also possibly grounds for a swift shin kick.  Second, once aboard, correct button pushed (on the first attentive try) be sure to press the close door button.  Nobody likes waiting those twenty awkward seconds until the doors slide shut and the ride begins.  Of course, you’ll want to make sure you’re not closing the doors on potential elevator patrons. 

3. Proper Elevator Conversation

We’ve all been on the elevator with the person who is unnecessarily screaming into their cell phone telling their friend the most awful story that nobody else needs to hear.  For starters, you do not, DO NOT, have to yell into your phone (rules of proper cell phone usage to come in later blog post).  You can speak at a normal and acceptable volume and the person on the other end can hear you.  It’s sort of like magic, only it’s technology.  Stop shouting.  You’re causing noise pollution and the Earth is polluted enough without your obnoxiousness.  Secondly, we do not need to hear about the 4 B’s: boogers, barf, bodily functions or body parts.  It’s all gross and all unnecessary.  Also, gentleman – keep in mind that this isn’t 1937.  Women work.  With you.  And we ride the same elevators.  Quit being gross.  And stop staring at our ass and boobs.  It’s creepy.  Finally, stop commenting on the weather.  Yes, it’s really stinking hot/cold/rainy/snowy/foggy/cloudy/sunny/beautiful/miserable/windy or whatever.  I know.  You know how I know?  Because before I was on an elevator, I was out-freaking-side!!!!  We don’t have to be friends just because we’re on the same elevator.  Just smile, nod and be silent.

4. Proper Exiting Technique

If you are the person in the back of the elevator, you are not the first person off.  You are, by default, the last person off.  Quit being a jerk.  You don’t have to be Sammy Shover.  It’s not a race to see who can get off the elevator first.  There is no prize.  No medal.  Nothing.  Just a bunch of pissed off people who are collectively hoping that in your haste you didn’t see the wet floor sign and you bite it.  Hard.

So there you go.  I hope this helps you all become much more civilized elevator passengers.  And if you notice any of your fellow citizens not following proper procedure, go ahead and hope they trip.  Because they will.  Karma loves payback.